Saturday, 21 November 2009

Imagining the future

I had a bit of an aha moment when doing my sophro this morning. In it I was having a word with Kelpie (my inner child), because I was trying to see why I still have a problem imagining the future. What came out was that I was scared. My previously imagined futures had not happened, from when I was little right up to my marriage. Yannick says that as it is only imagination , it's playing, and that we can imagine what we like. But, strange as this may sound, sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference. Only in very limited circumstances as far as I am concerned; I am sometimes not sure if I dreamt a conversation, for example, or if it really took place.

However, in a very convoluted way, am I scared of imagining myself slim, healthy etc, because so often in the past I got the opposite? I have no problems with the exercises in the past in Sophro, I enjoy them. But I know that they are real. At the moment, I am all tense, and it is taking a real effort to relax.

My thoughts are also at the funeral this morning. With the long decline they have had time to prepare themselves, but here again, it is not the previous imagined future. No one wants to imagine suffering, and loss.

So, I have to try and let go, and let myself play, and not let past hurts prevent or block imagined happy futures, and then real happy futures too.

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