Sunday, 13 September 2009
"The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley." to quote our national bard.
No, not my diet this time, but I loved the cartoon.
I had planned to spend the day working on my papers for Andorra, having spent yesterday on the house. Things did not go according to plan yesterday. Well, first I slept in (formerly very rare, not so rare now) I wonder if it is less stress that means that I am not living on my nerves, and my body is taking advantage of that, and catching up with my sleep debt. Next, collecting the Clio, but the bill, the length of a short novel, wasn't written up, so that took a lot longer. At 12 we were due to meet friends and now daughter and boyfriend are going to be house-sitting there. A bottle of champagne later, we decided against doing the shopping, but headed home for lunch, so that when she went to work, daughter had some food in her tummy, and not just champagne. A very quick lunch, some sophro, then taking other daughter to get the ingredients for a millionaire's shortbread, then to buy an all in one swimsuit, then to the opera, (written and directed by her drama teacher, with a good friend in the acting role). By the time I got home, made phone calls etc. it was time for bed. DD2's bf's father offered to take her home (the following day), so I thought that I would be able to spend all day working.
At midnight DD1 came in to tell me that DS2 had given up on hitch hiking, having travelled 5kms in one day, and they were coming by train the next day, so I'll have to go and pick them up. Then at 6.45am or so she woke me again to ask for a lift to work, her bf is choked with the cold. No, not swine flu, just the cold. During the night I had felt my sinuses filling up, but I'm not as bad as him. So taxi day for me today.
With some writing inbetween, and tidying, and maybe I shouldn't be blogging, but I'm up early!
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
My thoughts have continued along the lines started in the previous post. And how I/we treat my/ourselves with tough love. In fact, I make an allusion to that in part 1 when I said we have to ensure that the long term gain outweighs the current pain.
It’s a bit negative!
I thought about it.
1. We deprive ourselves of food
2. We force ourselves to exercise
3. We want to lose weight
4. We fight a battle against weight gain
You get the picture? We are putting ourselves into a negative mindset, where we are literally treating ourselves as our own worst enemy.
And I thought some more....what could I do that was *positive*, where instead of *depriving* myself, I could *indulge* myself. Not in a food way, of course, but still in a way that nourished me, Kelpie especially.
My answer was body lotion.
It was one of the things I had thought about on holiday, putting on after sun.....I realised that I only give myself that particular attention “in extremis” as it were; to prevent damage.
And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It is a way of showing myself that I love myself (thanks Flylady) for the following reasons;
1. I spend some time on me
2. It’s a sort of luxury
3. I auto massage
4. Massage is a great thing, look at babies who want cuddles, and kittens who want stroked
5. I have to own my body (not hide behind clothes)
6. It isn’t a cure.
I also tied to find out what the opposite of Tough Love was...guess what, there isn’t an opposite. I tried googling gentle love, and one of the things that came up was an adaptation of 1st Corinthians chapter 13. Even for the non religious it is a lovely piece.
So now I have to try and think how I can be gentle and patient and kind with myself....and enjoy my indulgences!
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
This is a tad more difficult. Criticism is easy, even (especially?) when it is of me. I know the negative points; the $64,000 dollar question is how to get over them.
My idea is to use two sets of 3
• The serenity prayer
• Transactional analysis.
So I’m looking for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
OK, long legs out of the question, but tanned toned ones a possibility.
As for the second, start with Pam’s Brat/Princess concept (my name is Kelpie), but go further; find a reason for each goal for each or the Parent/Adult/Child in me, to try and reinforce my efforts, and have all three working together; or at least trying to avoid the wilful child scuppering the ship before it even sets sail! (How’s that for mixed metaphors)
So back to the list I made in part one. (And some progress since I wrote on the beach) I
1. am overweight........(however the scale is going in the right direction)
2. have the stamina of a mayfly.....(however I spent 2 hours mushrooming on Sunday, scrambling up and down the mountains)
3. need to colour my hair .......(done!)
4. am sometimes unfulfilled at work....(however the students are starting up again, and I love the teaching part)
5. am still grieving old hurts.....(however, awareness helps, and it is a long process)
6. sometimes act in self destructive ways......(who doesn’t?)
7. am sometimes unhappy with the state of my home......(look forward, not back)
8. am still disorganised....(however getting better)
When I first wrote, I was a bit surprised that so much came so quickly. And felt that it was quite enough to start with. And was so scared seeing it in print, that I set down my notebook.
When I picked it up again, I had to accept that I was scared to confront some of my own devils. That means calling on courage first of all. I looked at each one on the list, and found reasons why I should do something about each of them....the why could come later.
1. Why lose weight?
a. Parent: being overweight shows lack of self control. I need to show more self control (sigh, says Kelpie, I don’t like being told off, especially when it is true!)
b. Adult: I want to be healthy and grow old with J with a minimum of health issues.
c. Kelpie: I want to be pretty and sexy and desirable and be able to wear my red dress and not be ashamed of my tummy (and lots of other wobbly bits) on the beach (and that’s just for starters!)
2. Why have more stamina?
a. Parent: ditto for weight
b. Adult: ditto for weight
c. Kelpie: I want to be able to swim and cycle and swim and jump and do daredevil things and show off!
3. Hair colour
a. Parent: why bother?
b. General agreement, I look better without the white streak. So where’s the hiccough? OWE (own worst enemy makes her first entrance) Maybe lack of observation/organisation. I need to schedule a time? (Hey, Kelpie here. There wasn’t supposed to be a How till Later! OK, point taken)
4. Fulfilment at work?
a. Parent: no real reason, work is work, but I would like my efforts to be recognised and appreciated (that’s a reason!)
b. Adult: when I am happy and fulfilled I waste less energy.
c. Kelpie: I want to have fun, be recognised, people to like me, make lots of money, use my brain and my intellect, be famous....
5. Why grieve old hurts? (again I set the notebook down, another tricky one)
a. The reasons are maybe the same for all three; the brakes are what are different. It is such a tricky area that all three agree to put it to one side for the moment...not enough courage.....yet!
6. Why should I stop pressing the self destruct button?
a. Ditto for the old hurts.
7. Why have an organised house?
a. Parent: because it is absolutely normal to have one, and not normal not to!
b. Adult: to be able to have people over more often, to stop wasting energy and time, and to be a grown up (hmm, is that adult or parent, not sure)
c. Kelpie: to be a princess and have fun in my fairy castle!
8. And organisation?
a. Parent: back to the weight issue
b. Adult: because it will make me feel better, and see organised house
c. Kelpie: to have the time to play and do the things I want to; write, take photographs....
Now, a thought about the brakes; what things are stopping me?
I asked J for his opinion (very adult) and even listened to him (even more so). He thinks that my mind moves too fast, that it jumps around too much. There is also (my words) a missing link between intention and action.
Task: To find the missing link
Why? Because I’m worth it!