Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Because I'm worth it Part 2

This is a tad more difficult. Criticism is easy, even (especially?) when it is of me. I know the negative points; the $64,000 dollar question is how to get over them.
My idea is to use two sets of 3
• The serenity prayer
• Transactional analysis.
So I’m looking for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
OK, long legs out of the question, but tanned toned ones a possibility.

As for the second, start with Pam’s Brat/Princess concept (my name is Kelpie), but go further; find a reason for each goal for each or the Parent/Adult/Child in me, to try and reinforce my efforts, and have all three working together; or at least trying to avoid the wilful child scuppering the ship before it even sets sail! (How’s that for mixed metaphors)

So back to the list I made in part one. (And some progress since I wrote on the beach) I
1. am overweight........(however the scale is going in the right direction)
2. have the stamina of a mayfly.....(however I spent 2 hours mushrooming on Sunday, scrambling up and down the mountains)
3. need to colour my hair .......(done!)
4. am sometimes unfulfilled at work....(however the students are starting up again, and I love the teaching part)
5. am still grieving old hurts.....(however, awareness helps, and it is a long process)
6. sometimes act in self destructive ways......(who doesn’t?)
7. am sometimes unhappy with the state of my home......(look forward, not back)
8. am still disorganised....(however getting better)
When I first wrote, I was a bit surprised that so much came so quickly. And felt that it was quite enough to start with. And was so scared seeing it in print, that I set down my notebook.
When I picked it up again, I had to accept that I was scared to confront some of my own devils. That means calling on courage first of all. I looked at each one on the list, and found reasons why I should do something about each of them....the why could come later.

1. Why lose weight?
a. Parent: being overweight shows lack of self control. I need to show more self control (sigh, says Kelpie, I don’t like being told off, especially when it is true!)
b. Adult: I want to be healthy and grow old with J with a minimum of health issues.
c. Kelpie: I want to be pretty and sexy and desirable and be able to wear my red dress and not be ashamed of my tummy (and lots of other wobbly bits) on the beach (and that’s just for starters!)

2. Why have more stamina?
a. Parent: ditto for weight
b. Adult: ditto for weight
c. Kelpie: I want to be able to swim and cycle and swim and jump and do daredevil things and show off!

3. Hair colour
a. Parent: why bother?
b. General agreement, I look better without the white streak. So where’s the hiccough? OWE (own worst enemy makes her first entrance) Maybe lack of observation/organisation. I need to schedule a time? (Hey, Kelpie here. There wasn’t supposed to be a How till Later! OK, point taken)

4. Fulfilment at work?
a. Parent: no real reason, work is work, but I would like my efforts to be recognised and appreciated (that’s a reason!)
b. Adult: when I am happy and fulfilled I waste less energy.
c. Kelpie: I want to have fun, be recognised, people to like me, make lots of money, use my brain and my intellect, be famous....

5. Why grieve old hurts? (again I set the notebook down, another tricky one)
a. The reasons are maybe the same for all three; the brakes are what are different. It is such a tricky area that all three agree to put it to one side for the moment...not enough courage.....yet!

6. Why should I stop pressing the self destruct button?
a. Ditto for the old hurts.

7. Why have an organised house?
a. Parent: because it is absolutely normal to have one, and not normal not to!
b. Adult: to be able to have people over more often, to stop wasting energy and time, and to be a grown up (hmm, is that adult or parent, not sure)
c. Kelpie: to be a princess and have fun in my fairy castle!

8. And organisation?
a. Parent: back to the weight issue
b. Adult: because it will make me feel better, and see organised house
c. Kelpie: to have the time to play and do the things I want to; write, take photographs....

Now, a thought about the brakes; what things are stopping me?
I asked J for his opinion (very adult) and even listened to him (even more so). He thinks that my mind moves too fast, that it jumps around too much. There is also (my words) a missing link between intention and action.

Task: To find the missing link

Why? Because I’m worth it!

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