Imagining the future

I had a bit of an aha moment when doing my sophro this morning. In it I was having a word with Kelpie (my inner child), because I was trying to see why I still have a problem imagining the future. What came out was that I was scared. My previously imagined futures had not happened, from when I was little right up to my marriage. Yannick says that as it is only imagination , it's playing, and that we can imagine what we like. But, strange as this may sound, sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference. Only in very limited circumstances as far as I am concerned; I am sometimes not sure if I dreamt a conversation, for example, or if it really took place.

However, in a very convoluted way, am I scared of imagining myself slim, healthy etc, because so often in the past I got the opposite? I have no problems with the exercises in the past in Sophro, I enjoy them. But I know that they are real. At the moment, I am all tense, and it is taking a real effort to relax.

My thoughts are also at the funeral this morning. With the long decline they have had time to prepare themselves, but here again, it is not the previous imagined future. No one wants to imagine suffering, and loss.

So, I have to try and let go, and let myself play, and not let past hurts prevent or block imagined happy futures, and then real happy futures too.

Murphy's law

Yesterday the alarm clock woke me. Today is a public holiday, and I was really looking forward to a long lie. Guess what? I woke up around 6am, and impossible to get back to sleep! Grr



However, trying to put the above into operation, I can work on my Sophrology..

Oh, and I found an interesting blog on Murphy's law, here's the link

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x9/electricwriter/posts/murphy.gif&imgrefurl=http://electricwriter.blogspot.com/2007/08/flour-power.html&usg=__0sVvbmCFhmDcLv_BX_GD1rpZmDI=&h=294&w=300&sz=7&hl=en&start=8&tbnid=mBFejSNVMaLVaM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsod%2527s%2Blaw%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

Healthy grieving?

This is the season when things die, and unfortunately it is people too. We talk about people being in the Autumn of their lives, but what if they have died long before that?

At the moment, one of my sister's best friends is planning her own funeral, down to the meal at the wake. The cancer has left her ragged. My bil is a medic in Afghanistan, and dealing with more pain and suffering than I can imagine. One of my students has just suddenly lost his mother in tragic circumstances. And another her best friend who died in a road accident. Over the last two days I have found myself trying to counsel the latter two as best I can

And of course my thoughts and words have turned to Kai.

I have spoken to both of the youngsters of the stages of grief, but I have a sense of "Do as I say, not as I do".

Early morning

A very autumnal morning, and I went for a walk. The other photos can be found on http://picasaweb.google.com/karenjgdferguson/Walk8thNovember?authkey=Gv1sRgCMPxw57O0KH3dg#

I am pleased with myself, because I did what I said I would do. Jonothan Roche was doing his last ironman, and to support him I undertook to do a 5k.....in fact the route that I took was nearer 7. This being sunday, I had the time, and I enjoyed it. Aswell as the cows, two deer ran in front of me, but as they were fast, a fairly long way away, and in the trees, I didn't manage any photos of them. The hunters were out, I could hear the shots, but I don't know if it was at the deer.

Whilst walking I thought about lowering the bar, and actually aiming for something achievable; that way I might manage to do it. So my plan is that I shall do the long walk one of the days in the weekend, (or somthing similar if I am at Jacques) Callenetics the other weekend day, and now to try the NEWO cds again, and see if I can't get them to work.

I also was conscious; of the mist, the frost, the light, my posture, the sounds. And I was conscious that I was not conscious 100% of the time! My thoughts would wander, and fly away altogether on some occasions.......

I'll take the camera on my walks, and try to track the seasons. Calum does that so well. I have a very different type of scenery, however I am sure that I can try to use the camera to show how varied it can be throughout the year. We'll see.

They shall grow not old........

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

Lest we forget




This photo is of the Reichswald Forest War cemetery near Kleve in Germany. It is also called the rose cemetery. I visited it in 1975, with my family. I was overwhelmed by the mass graves of young men my age, the age of my friends, the age of my boyfriend, not much older than my brothers who were with me. When I teach European Law, that memory is one that I share when explaining why I am for a united Europe; I don't want to lose my loved ones to war.

I am happy that generations have passed, where whole generations have not been touched.

Having said that, my first serious boyfriend was in the Falklands. Another close friend was in the 1st Gulf war. One nephew was the first medic on Iraqi soil in the second, and his brother was also involved. Their father is currently in Afghanistan where he is not only a medic, but also a stand in padre.

We remember at this time those who have fallen. We should also think of those who have survived. There are those who are whole in body, but their spirits are affected by what they have seen and experienced; there are those who would not have survived before, and who, having lost up to 3 limbs have to go along a new path. Their spirits are also affected. And there are those who have tended to the fallen, and their spirits have definitely been affected.

Here in France we shall be remembering on the 11th itself. The 11th minute of the 11the hour of the 11the day of the 11the month. Take a moment to remember, and to think about what it means to you. And to those you love.

And think of the courage of those who are facing death, wherever they may be.

War or cancer, both are hellish things.

Being conscious

Driving down to Lyon, I was thinking about my attempt to really do something and find the link between thought and action, and implement it. I have drawn up a Sophro for myself for midday, which basically draws my attention to me being conscious of my actions; what I eat, drink, exercise etc. And I asked myself if that was the real core of Sophrology, being conscious. I have to be conscious if I want to change my state of consciousness. I thought of other ways to express this idea; being aware, being mindful, being there; hence the picture above. I saw the film when it came out, a long time ago, and my memories are more of the idea of being there but not being aware or conscious of what was really going on.

I am currently sitting in the University Café, eating a sandwich. It is tuna, egg, salad, and quite tasty. However, by doing two things at once, I am less mindful of at least one of them; in this case, eating. Even us multitasking women can’t devote 100% x2!

My goal is to be more conscious, more aware...